Caring for Our Parents

… a Sandwich Generationer's perspective

“Let them be”, she said…

In my quest for trying to get a more objective, more educated perspective regarding my parents’ well-being, I decided to talk to an expert.

Her words of wisdom… “Let your parents be!”

A bit harsh if you ask me… after all, I’m just trying to help them out.  Granted, I’m doing so by telling them everything they are doing ‘wrong’ and clarifying what they need to be doing to make their lives ‘better’.  Isn’t that what a daughter is for…to bring truth and perspective to the issues?  Who would tell them the ‘truth’ if not me?

After I got over the initial shock of realizing I may not be the perfect daughter, I decided to reflect upon the advice and try it on for size.

“Be supportive!”, she said.  I’m not sure I’ve told them recently that I love them unconditionally.  Nor have I told my dad how much I appreciate how hard he’s trying to take care of mom.  But he knows… right?!  Besides, I need to tell him all the ways he is messing things up so he can stop doing it.  I know he doesn’t mean them, he just doesn’t realize it so I need to tell him.  Yet, it never seems to work when I do so maybe if I try something different…  So I call them every day and celebrate their activities the same way I celebrate for others, asking questions and reinforcing positive actions while not giving any time to negative aspects.  I proceed to have had the most pleasant discussions with them I have had in months.  Maybe this ‘expert’ is on to something…

I realize that I’ve been tougher with my parents than with others I love.  Probably because I have such high expectations of what they can do versus what they are doing or maye because they are tough on me when it came to this type of thing.  Either way, I realize what they need, now more than ever, is unconditional love and support.  That I can do easily!

I still struggle with knowing their  house is a mess (even though I know it is still cleaner than most college dorm rooms), or that they eat out every day (even though I know more often than not it’s a relatively healthy and balanced meal).  I still worry that they fight and argue a lot (even though they’ve been doing that for over 40 years).  Ultimately though, I realize that I will worry about them no matter what and that my judgement will not improve the situation nor tell them something they don’t already know deep down inside.

I realize now that I need to be as sensitive and protective of their feelings as I am with everyone else I love and care about.  The world is full of people who will judge them and tell them ‘how it really is’.  Unfortunately, not many will remind them they are doing the best they can and that it’s good enough.

… I’m off to call my mom and dad!

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